


David Attenborough's Life of Time Lords

by LizBee



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, character resurrection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-16
Updated: 2010-05-16
Packaged: 2017-10-09 19:12:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/90616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LizBee/pseuds/LizBee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Amy and Rory's honeymoon is interrupted when they find a woman in a glass coffin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	David Attenborough's Life of Time Lords

**Author's Note:**

> I blame Vali.

"Amy," said Rory, on the third day of their honeymoon, "is it just me, or is that a girl in a solid glass coffin?"

"No," said Amy. "It's a woman in a solid glass coffin."

And this was a problem, because the Doctor had sworn up, down and sideways that this planet was uninhabited. No hostile aliens, no flesh-eating flowers, no birds that took one look at Rory and went into a mating frenzy. A planet so totally devoid of dangerous, predatory or interesting life that four out of five interstellar travel guides had voted it the most tedious spot in the universe, and the other guide didn't even mention it.

The Doctor had dropped them off with his tent, which turned out to be bigger on the inside. Like, Buckingham Palace bigger.

"You stole the idea from J. K. Rowling," Rory had said, at the same time as the Doctor had said, "Stole the idea from J. K. Rowling. Brilliant woman. We should pick her up sometime." Off Amy's look, he'd added, quickly, "sometime later. Not now. You have ... honeymoon ... stuff to do now. I expect."

And he left them with Buckingham Tent and scarpered off to the other hemisphere, leaving Amy and Rory alone together on the most peaceful planet in the known universe.

Three days of honeymoon ... stuff later, and Amy was secretly beginning to hope for a Dalek invasion. Not a big one. Just, you know, something to get the adrenaline flowing. Maybe not Daleks. A girl -- woman -- in a glass coffin might do nicely.

"Do you think she's an alien," said Rory.

"Almost definitely," said Amy.

"Do you think we might have to run for our lives a bit, and maybe singlehandedly save the planet from her?" He, too, sounded a bit hopeful. Well, you could only gaze adoringly into someone's eyes for so long before she started tickling you, and Amy knew all his ticklish bits.

"Maybe we should call the Doctor," said Amy. "He'll want to see this."

"He said he was going to sort the TARDIS linen cupboard."

They exchanged a look.

"Let's call the Doctor," said Rory.

"Maybe," said Amy thoughtfully, "we should put some clothes on first."

What? Completely uninhabited planet. And when the gods were handing out body shame, Amy had been behind the door.

Still, she did follow Rory back to the tent, and some time later, she did put some clothes on.

The TARDIS appeared within seconds of the phone ringing, and the Doctor emerged at a rush, still holding the phone, a half-folded bathtowel in his other hand.

"What is it?" he said. "Daleks? Cybermen? Krotons? Whatever it is, I'm ready."

"How's the linen closet?" Amy asked.

"I've turned it into a chemical laboratory."

"What, another one?"

"The other one's full of towels."

"Doctor," said Rory, "we found something."

They led him to the coffin, which was as shiny and smooth as something out of a fairy tale. The woman inside lay on her back, dull blonde hair floating around her face, as if the coffin was full of water instead of glass. Her eyes were open. Amy waved her hand over the woman's face, but there was no sign of awareness.

"She can't see you," said the Doctor quietly. "She's trapped in a mono-dimensional temporal exclusion chamber. If we break it, this whole planet will implode in about twenty-four seconds."

"So what do we do?" asked Rory.

The Doctor pulled out his screwdriver.

"Get ready to run really fast," he said.

*

In the TARDIS, the Doctor slammed the doors shut and started throwing levers. Amy, crouched by the woman's body -- it had been cold when the coffin was smashed around her, but now it was warm -- held her breath until they had dematerialised.

"Well?" she asked Rory.

"Hang on," he said; he was taking the woman's pulse, a look of puzzlement on his face. "She's alive -- pulse is getting faster, but it's all--"

He leapt out of the way as the woman bolt upright, climbed to her feet and said, "Well, Doctor, it took you long enough."

"Do you know him?" Amy asked the girl. This seemed like the easiest question, since the Doctor was doing his best impression of a tongue-tied schoolboy. The woman looked at Amy for the first time.

"Know him," she said mildly, "travelled with him, married him -- twice -- divorced him three times -- time loop. Bit awkward, actually. Commanded him in battle for about five microspans, before some idiot decided they'd rather put an apocalyptic war in the hands of a millennia-dead egomaniac whose legacy essentially boils down to spraypainting 'Rassilon was here' on a bunch of artifacts." She held out her hand. "Hello. I'm Romana."

"Amy. Amy Pond."

"Maybe Williams," said Rory, putting his arm around her. "Pond Williams. We just got married."

"How charming. My name's Romana."

"In my defence," said the Doctor, "that wasn't my idea. In fact, I argued very strongly--"

"Yes, you argued, and Brax argued, and I argued, but only one of us got chucked in a mono-dimensional temporal exclusion chamber for it. You know, I thought the Pythians were exaggarrating about the gynephobia. You know," she added Rory, giving a radiant smile, "I would absolutely kill for a cup of tea. Desperate for some free radicals and tannins. Five thousand years in limbo, and not a single decent caffeinated beverage. I thought I'd go mad."

Rory gave her a look of such profound adoration that Amy felt a brief twinge of something like jealousy, quickly replaced by the cheerful awareness that she might have run off with a Time Lord the night before their wedding, but at least she wasn't the one spending their honeymoon fetching tea for the female of the species.

Oh yeah, she'd figured that much out. The Time Lady was circling the Doctor with a look that somehow expressed mild contempt. profound affection and maybe a bit of sexual tension. Amy settled back to watch. This was better than the Wildlife Channel. _David Attenborough's Life of Time Lords_.

"I thought you were dead," said the Doctor at last. "With the, you know, Glove of Rassilon and all."

"Yes," said Romana, "I figured as much." Her anger seemed to have dissipated. "What happened to your hair?"

"Why does everyone always go on about my hair?"

"Nice bow tie."

"It's very underappreciated."

Rory returned. Romana accepted the tea with a perfunctory thanks, and went back to eyeing off the Doctor.

"Should we, I don't know, call River?" Rory murmured.

"Yeah, she'll not want to miss this."

"I was thinking more that the Doctor's her maybe-sort-of-future-husband, and Romana's his, um, ex. I guess."

"Since you're not using that grey cravat and the bottle-green waistcoat anymore," Romana was saying.

"My wardrobe room's your wardrobe room," said the Doctor. He looked around, apparently remembering that Amy and Rory existed. "Maybe we should ... go down there now? And I can show you my new chemical lab."

"What happened to the old one?"

"Towels."

"I see."

Romana threw Amy a wink as she let the Doctor lead her up the stairs.

"You can't go with them!" Rory hissed as Amy rose to follow them.

"Why not?" she said. "It's educational. We'll bring popcorn."

"Because," said Rory, "we're still on our honeymoon, and we've just gone and blown up the most boring planet in the universe. They'll be gone for ages. We might as well..." He trailed off, casting a glance around the console room.

And they all lived happily ever after, in the manner of a mad fairy tale in space with a dash of a nature documentary. Until Romana upset the timelines by eloping with River, anyway, and even Rory saw that one coming, so it was really only a surprise to the no-longer-the-last-of-the-Time-Lords.

 

the end


End file.
